Unveiling The Layers: Navigating Autism And The Ripple Effect On Mental Health
Exploring The Intersection Of Autism Parenting, Mental Health Struggles, And The Domino Effect On Well-Being
DISCLAIMER: This Post Might Be Too Long But It Is Worth Reading Till The End.
I Know That In My Welcome Back Blog I Mentioned That I Was Glad 2023 Was Over And That I Kicked It To The Curb Because It Was A Really Mean Year For Me — It Was A Shitty Year And Referring It To Shit Is Me Putting It Politely. By Now You All Know About My Severely Autistic Son And That I Am A Single Mom Raising This Amazing And Beautiful But Impossible Child Alone With Only One Person In My Corner, My Mom.
As Much As I Love And Appreciate Her Support Throughout My Hellish Experience, I Needed More Than Her — I Needed A Miracle Because Raising My Son Had Begun Revealing That To Survive, I NEEDED One. So, Her Help And Support Alone Was Barely Enough, I Needed The Heavens By My Side. And As Time Passed Since I Left My Full-Time Job To Care For My Boy, Last Year I Had Finally Started Feeling The Pressure.
I Was Starting To Crack, And Those Cracks Became Scary As I Witnessed How Fast They Were Moving And Spreading. Now, Before I Continue I Just Want You To PLEASE NOTE That This Post Might Be A Bit Longer Than It Should Be But Because I Want You To Understand How I Got To Be Where I Was Mentally, I Have To Make It Long. So, Please Bear That In Mind But I Strongly Advice You to Read Through It All.
The Beginning Of The Struggle
Leaving My Job To Care For My Son
I Left My Full-Time Job In 2018 Where I Worked As A Food And Weight Management Consultant At One Of South Africa’s Biggest Pharmacies. The Reason I Left Was That My Son Needed Me, He Was Transitioning To Another Phase Of His Autism, A Phase Only Experienced By Individuals Whose Autism Is Severe.
This Phase Included VIOLENT AND AGGRESSIVE Streaks. He Had A Full-Time Nanny I Had Hired Just To Care For Him, But This Phase Was More Than The Nanny Could Bear As My Son Turned Her Into His Punching Bag — He Beat Her Up Until She Left, And I Had To Step In. Here’s A Kicker, AUTISM WAS STILL CHINESE TO ME AT THE TIME.
To Fast Forward A Little, I Too Became His Punching Bag And As A Result, I Have A Hand And Spine Injuries. Do You Know That Dangerous Workplaces Or Careers Often Come With Occupational Hazards? Well, This Became Mine And In 2022 My Spine Started Giving Me Real Problems To A Point where I Had To Seek Medical Help Which Led Me To Dependence On First Pain painkillers and Then On Physiotherapy.
A Revelation During Hospital Visits
Encounters With Pregnant Women
During My What Had Become Regular Visits To The Hospital, I Encountered Pregnant Women. Whether This Was Luck Or Bad Luck That All My Appointments Coincided With That Of The Soon-To-Be Mommies, I Am Not Sure Except That All My Appointments Were On Thursdays, The Prenatal Day For The Mommies.
You’re Probably Wondering Where I Am Going With a Long And Personal Tale, And You Probably Find It Boring Too. That’s Okay But Keep Reading And You’ll Soon Find Out Where I Am Going And Trust You Me, There’s A Hidden Gem In This Post That I Am Sure You’re Going To Love. If Not For Yourself, Then For Someone Else. So, Keep Reading.
This Frequent Bumping Into These Preggies REVEALED Something I Never Thought I Had Or That It Existed For That Matter. This Discovery Sounded My Alarms So Loud I Could Not Ignore Them If I Wanted To. They Signalled That My MENTAL HEALTH Was In GRAVE DANGER As It Was Compromised Very Badly, And If I Didn’t Do Something Soon…
I Discovered That The Preggies Aka Pregnant Ladies Or Soon-To-Be Moms (I’m Making This Term Up By The Way) Terrified Me. Yep! I Said It And I Am repeating It In Case You Missed It. The Pregnant Women Scared The Shit Out Of Me To A Point The Fear Was So Real It Triggered Something Else In Me, ANXIETY ATTACKS Also Known As PANIC ATTACKS.
I Can Almost Hear You Thinking, ‘Come On, Lunga, No Way You’re Serious Right Now. Scared Of The Bun Bakers? Really? What Could They Possibly Do? Some Of Them Are Bigger Than The Elephants And They Can Hardly Lift A Finger Let Alone Spook You. Hello!’
But It Wasn’t About What They’d Do To Me, It Was About What They Reminded Me Of. This Was Me Once Upon A Time Or Should I Say Twelve Years Ago? I Gave Birth To My Son Not Knowing That One Day My Life Will Be A Living Hell Because Of Him, Well, In A Way.
Disclaimer: A Candid Reflection On My Journey
Navigating Life’s Challenges: A Personal Journey And Candid Reflection
Here’s ANOTHER DISCLAIMER Before I Continue: What I Am About To Say, I Am Not Complaining — I’m Just Describing. And If I Sound Like I Am Complaining, Then Sorry But You’re Not In My Shoes And I Don’t Wish You To Be Because You Might Probably Not Make It This Far.
With That Out Of The Way, Let’s Continue. I Had A Child Who Brought Me Nothing But Sleeplessness, Loneliness, And Poverty. And As If That Was Not Enough, He Was Kicking My Ass Too, Although Not On Purpose But He Was Still Doing It. This Stopped After The Phase Passed But Ever Heard Of Side Or Aftereffects?
Yep, I Started Experiencing Aftereffects. I Started Wishing I Didn’t Have This Child. I Secretly Started Resenting Him In A Big Way Because His Condition Just Turned My Life Upside Down And I Was Struggling To Get It Back Up. For Five Years, I Didn’t Go Anywhere Or Did Anything. I Wasn’t Sleeping, I Wasn’t Resting, I Wasn’t Getting My Me Time.
I Certainly Had No Control Over My Life As It Was Wrapped Around His. I Had No Social Life, No Love Life, I Couldn’t Work, I Had No Money, And I Was Still Sort Of Expected To Look After Him With A Huge Smile On My Face And Actually Look Like I Am Having A Ball Doing It When Inside I Was Starting To Rot.
Descent Into Despair: Battling Inner Demons And Financial Struggles
Grappling with Financial Turmoil And Creative Frustration
Inside, I Was Starting To Die Slowly, And The Pain Was Excruciating. I Started Feeling Real Sad And Unworthy Of Anything Good Because My Life Looked Like a Bucket Of Shit. It Felt Like This Was My Destiny; To Live A Sad, Boring, Poor, And Lonely Life.
It Started Looking Like The Day I Gave Birth To My Son Was The Day I Sealed My Own Fate. The Resentment For Him Grew And I Literally Watched Our Mother-Son Relationship Transforming Into A Slave-Duty Type Of Situation. Every day, I Watched My Life Rotting Away And There Was Nothing I Could Do.
The Sense Of Hopelessness I Started Feeling Was Just Beyond Description. What Added Salt To My Blistering Wounds Was That I Am Freelance Writer, A Brilliant One At That (And I Am Not Just Blowing My Own Trumpet Right Now), But Even That Couldn’t Help Easing My Financial Burden Because I Was Struggling To Get Gigs. And If I Did Manage to Get One, Well, Let’s Just Say That The Pay Would Be So Small It Would End In The Way Before Making It To My Bank Account.
It Was As If Life Had Blacklisted Me Or Something Because Anything I tried Just Died In My Hands Like I Was Cursed With Decay. And If I Got Lucky Getting The high-Paying Writing Gigs, The Clients Would Cancel Without So Much As Telling Me Why. They Just Cancelled Out Of The Blue Before I Could Even Open My Laptop And Start Writing. My Life Was That Hectic And That Cruel. I Was Bleeding Dry And Was Bleeding Real Fast. I was Practically Running On Empty.
Suffocating In Silence: A Cry For Help Amidst Isolation
Overwhelmed By Isolation: Navigating Anxiety In Solitude
It Was As If The Universe Didn’t Want Me Doing Anything Else Except Being My Son’s Keeper, Caregiver, And Slave 24/7 With No Rest, No Day Off, And No Weekend Off. It Was As If I Was Condemned To This Life. Having A Sick Child Was Not The Problem Or Issue But The Lack Of Life And Not Being Able To Work And Provide And See People Now And Again Was The Devil’s Hell Fire. I Was Not Breathing. Matter Of Fact, I Was Suffocating But Was Somehow Expected To Keep Hanging In There Still.
The Pressure Started Building Up, I Knew It Was Getting To Me, And It Was Time To Get Out Of The Kitchen Before It Was Too Late, But I Couldn’t Because There was No One To Relieve Me Except My Mom. But At That Stage It Was Too Much I Could Hardly Felt Her Support Because It Had Just Reached A Point Where It Alone Was No Longer Enough.
I Needed Help And Fast. And The Anxiety Attacks? Oh, Don’t Get Me Started. It Was Open Season For Them, They Moved Into My Life Unannounced And Just Made Themselves At Home And I Knew I Was In Trouble But Not Until I Bumped Into One Preggie In The Hospital Toilet.
Whether I Was Terrified By The Fact That She Caught Me Off Guard, Or That She Was Abnormally Large She Actually Looked Exhausted, And Her Tummy Looked Like It Would Kaboom Any Second, Or That She Was Trying To Interact With Me, I Am Still Not Sure Till Today.
But Her Sight Sent Me into an Instant Anxiety Panic Mode. I Don’t Know How I Made It Out Of The Toilet That Fast But I Did. I Thought I Was Going To Pass Out. I Struggled To Breathe, My Chest Was So Tight It Felt Like Someone Was Sitting On It. I Experienced A Mild Blackout; I Started Shaking As I Desperately Gaped For Air To Enter My Lungs Urgently Or It was Game Over For Me.
Confronting Anxiety And Seeking Help
Anxiety Attacks And The Turning Point
Fast Forward, When It Was My Turn To See The Doctors For My Spine Review, I Asked Them To Put Me On Anti-Anxiety Meds. They First Asked Me Why I Was Asking For It And I Told Them But Withheld The Toilet Incident. I Just Told Them About My Autistic Son, That I Wasn’t Sleeping, Was Tired, And Was No Longer Coping. Lucky For Me, They Listened And Put Me On Medication Right There. As I Continued Visiting The Doctors, I Slowly Opened Up And Told Them What I Was Experiencing And They Said I Was Suffering From Something Called Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD).
Yep, C-PTSD, Not The Common Or Regular PTSD. I Bet You Didn’t Know That One, Did You? Well, Me Too — At The Time Of Course. I Asked The Doctor The Difference Between The Two And He Was Happy To Explain. So, Let Me Share Those Differences With You So You Know It Too In Case You Didn’t. Continue To Read Below As I Explain The Distinction Between Their Nature And Scope Of The Traumatic Experiences.
Understanding C-PTSD Vs. PTSD
1. Type Of Trauma
PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder): Typically Arises From A Single Traumatic Event Or A Series Of Closely Related Events. Examples Include Combat Experiences, Natural Disasters, Or Severe Accidents.
C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder): Results From Prolonged, Repeated Trauma, Often Involving Interpersonal Or Relational Abuse, Such As Chronic Childhood Abuse, Domestic Violence, Or Captivity. C-PTSD Is Often Associated With Situations Where The Person Is Unable To Escape And Experiences A Sense Of Powerlessness Over An Extended Period.
2. Duration And Severity
PTSD: May Occur After A Brief But Intense Traumatic Event And Is Characterized By Symptoms Such As Flashbacks, Nightmares, And Hyperarousal.
C-PTSD: Involves Long-Term Exposure To Trauma, And Its Symptoms Can Be More Pervasive, Affecting A Person’s Self-Identity, Emotional Regulation, And Interpersonal Relationships. It May Include Additional Symptoms Like Difficulty Trusting Others, A Distorted Self-Perception, And Challenges In Forming And Maintaining Relationships.
3. Symptomatology
PTSD: Common Symptoms Include Intrusive Thoughts, Nightmares, Hypervigilance, Avoidance Of Reminders, And Negative Changes In Mood And Cognition.
C-PTSD: In Addition To PTSD Symptoms, Individuals With C-PTSD May Experience Difficulties In Emotional Regulation, A Distorted Self-Perception, Problems With Interpersonal Relationships, And A Chronic Sense Of Emptiness Or Hopelessness.
4. Diagnosis
PTSD: Recognized As A Distinct Diagnosis In The Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders (DSM-5).
C-PTSD: Not Currently Recognized As A Separate Diagnosis In The DSM-5, But There Is Ongoing Discussion Within The Mental Health Community About Its Distinct Features And Whether It Should Be Recognized Separately.
From Personal Struggles To A Broader Perspective
Reflecting On Personal Challenges
This Was Just A Brief Description Of The Two And Note That Both PTSD And C-PTSD Are Serious Mental Health Conditions That Can Have A Significant Impact On A Person’s Life. Guess What? We’re There, To The CRUX Of This Long Tale POST. Now, Being An Autism Mom And All About All Things Mental Since My Own Mental Health Got Hacked, I Decided To Do A Little Research On Mental Conditions/Disorders/Illnesses, Or Whatever It Is You Call Them.
I Learned That SOME OF THE MENTAL DISORDERS Stem From A Breached Or Compromised Mental Health And That If We Take Care Of Our Mental Health, We Can Actually Save And Prevent Ourselves From Having Them. Did You Know That according to The Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders Fifth Edition (DSM-5), There Are Over 300 Mental Disorders And In That Number, Some That Resulted From A Breached Or Hacked Mental Health?
I Am Talking About Conditions Like Anxiety, PTSD, C-PTSD, Depression, Eating Disorders, and Personality Disorders Just To name A few. With That, I Am Going To Introduce To You A Series of topics That I Will Share With You On Some If Not All Of These Conditions. You Don’t Want To Miss What I Have Learned. So, Do Stay Tuned And Don’t Go No Where Because I Have A Content Around This That You Are Going To Love, And It Is Starting Next Week.
Looking Ahead
Teasing The Upcoming Series
Now, The Reason Behind This U-Turn Of Content Aims To Convey The Interconnectedness Of Autism Parenting, Mental Health Challenges, And The Broader Impact On Well-Being. As I Have Taken This Journey Of Exploration Into The Layers Of These Experiences, I Want To Provide You With Insightful Topics for this New Series.
